Introspective Scrapping

I’m sitting here feeling emotions so strong that I might be overwhelmed by them. I know that I am nowhere near the worst part yet. I can’t face my fears head on and I can’t run fast enough to escape them. I am just going parallel to them for now. I know there is going to be a place down the road where my path and these fears are going to converge.

I am so tired of running this race with death. For the past 6 years, I have had the constant fear of my husband dying, because of his neurological condition. I have been slapped in the face by my own mortality the past few years after my diagnosis of Systemic Lupus Erythmatosis. I think my case is going to be the long drawn out chronic condition, but I know a bad case of some infection could wipe me out. Just when I seemed able to travel along with death for a piece, companionably, my Daddy has been diagnosed with cancer.

He has always been the one who would make things right in my world. When I have run out of options, I can go to him for advice and help. My Dad and Grandpa are/were ministers, so I have relied on them for spiritual guidance as well as the practical kind. I’m gonna be on my own now and I don’t know who I am going to rely on.

I do not know if I am strong enough for a world where my husband or my Dad no longer reside.

I found an old photo of my parents, when they were young and full of promise and did a scrapbook page. You can see it here.

I found this URL for how to beat stress. http://www.hopeforlifeministry.com/stress/overcome.html

I am going to mull it over and see if it helps. I already know number 9 doesn’t work for me. I know what some of my anxiety is caused from. But that doesn’t help me fix myself.

This particular scripture makes sense in theory, but I suspect if you went to a family funeral or stayed home from one and quoted it, you would be disowned and possibly the victim of homicide and maybe vigilante justice.

I kept thinking about this one at the hospital the other day.(I had some surgery) Last week I was worried about my Mom being at home by herself while my Dad was in the hospital. Then my daughter was supposed to have some tests run to see if she needed surgery.  After I waited all day to see what the doctor told her, I called her and her boyfriend told me she decided not to go take the test because she wasn’t feeling well. But, she wasn’t home because she went to work.

Pardon me for being logical, but if you are too sick to go to the doctor, wouldn’t it follow that work should be skipped too? I am not a self centered person, but couldn’t she have called me and told me?

I suppose I didn’t cater to my parents sufficiently either. Neither my daughter or my parents bothered to call me and check on me after my surgery. Apparently my husband was considerate and called them and let them know I am alive.

Should I back off from worrying about others? It sure doesn’t get reciprocated. I hope the scripture means to put things into priority categories. I do not know how to not care about others.

This is on my top 100 things list. I want to scream when people do not realize that I am strong, but still need to be treated in a considerate manner.

I believe dream journals would be pretty therapeutic for most people. Whether you believe your subconscious mind is sending you messages or it is more divine than that, try writing them down. Stephen King credits some of his story ideas to nightmares.

I never dream. I suffer from insomnia and I don’t believe I hit REM sleep long enough to dream. When I do dream, it is to have psychic visions. Sometimes it is something stupid like seeing my husband putting stuff on the conveyor at the grocery store in a particular order. Sometimes, most times actually I have foresight of something bad.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not writing that stuff down!

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I have been busy, but I finally got up a new scrap journaling layout. The poetry is pretty good if I do say so myself. You could also call the layout faithbooking. Anyway take a look here.

Every time I think of my Grandson, I know that God watches over out family. My daughter was one of those rare women who did not stop menstruating during her pregnancy and did not put on any weight until the very last. As a result, she had a complicated delivery and the baby came early. He is of normal weight, height, intelligence, etc. Preemies are often behind for several years. I prayed HARD during the delivery. I believe that God looks after his own. 1 Corinthians 1-9 God is faithful by whom ye were called.

Here is the LO I made to express the feeling that I had that he was a gift from God and that God had been watching over our family.

I recently ran across a new, (at least to me) type of scrapbook journaling. It’s called Faithbooking. I think it is terrific. Some of my most profound thoughts are spiritual.

These days it is more politically correct to be Muslem, than Christian. While that sounds very prejudiced to say, it is very realistic. My children were not allowed to pray in school, but the Muslim students at certain times of the day, would throw their prayer rugs down and pray out loud in the middle of class.

Anyway, whatever way you can express your faith is a good thing, who knows how long it will be legal? Here’s a good link for ideas.

http://www.faithfullyyours.net/Add-faith.html