What’s Up With Me

I’m sitting here feeling emotions so strong that I might be overwhelmed by them. I know that I am nowhere near the worst part yet. I can’t face my fears head on and I can’t run fast enough to escape them. I am just going parallel to them for now. I know there is going to be a place down the road where my path and these fears are going to converge.

I am so tired of running this race with death. For the past 6 years, I have had the constant fear of my husband dying, because of his neurological condition. I have been slapped in the face by my own mortality the past few years after my diagnosis of Systemic Lupus Erythmatosis. I think my case is going to be the long drawn out chronic condition, but I know a bad case of some infection could wipe me out. Just when I seemed able to travel along with death for a piece, companionably, my Daddy has been diagnosed with cancer.

He has always been the one who would make things right in my world. When I have run out of options, I can go to him for advice and help. My Dad and Grandpa are/were ministers, so I have relied on them for spiritual guidance as well as the practical kind. I’m gonna be on my own now and I don’t know who I am going to rely on.

I do not know if I am strong enough for a world where my husband or my Dad no longer reside.

I found an old photo of my parents, when they were young and full of promise and did a scrapbook page. You can see it here.

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The Meaning Of Life

I have plenty of things to stress over, but sometimes something happens to put things into better, if not perfect perspective. I just found out my Dad has cancer. Scrapbooking is being my therapy for the moment. I did a layout of my parents in 1961. Something about the picture made me think of the beginning of life, rather than the end. If you are interested, here’s a link to it.

Stress Quotes

I found a few quotes on my Get rid of stress quest.

I have tried yoga, but stress is less boring.

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness. ~Richard Carlson

Pooh is my favorite so this one is great.

Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering. ~Pooh’s Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne

This one seems to be my life.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~Jennifer Yane

Now I know this one suits my life. I cannot bear to be around a very loud, overly boisterous person for long. I am a quiet person. My husband is too. Whether by nurture or nature, our children are sensitive to noise as well. I am talking about people who can be at a party down the street from you and you can hear them at your house. They seem to believe that noise will force people to notice them. But if they were quiet for a few moments wonders might happen.

When Mozart was composing at the end of the eighteenth century, the city of Vienna was so quiet that fire alarms could be given verbally, by a shouting watchman mounted on top of St. Stefan’s Cathedral. In twentieth-century society, the noise level is such that it keeps knocking our bodies out of tune and out of their natural rhythms. This ever-increasing assault of sound upon our ears, minds, and bodies adds to the stress load of civilized beings trying to live in a highly complex environment. ~Steven Halpern

My daughter spent the afternoon with her grandmother one afternoon when she was little. She was very pensive when she came home. When she finally got up the nerve to talk to me, she asked me if her hands were the devils work shop. I was speechless for a few seconds. I told her of course not. My mother-in-law had told her that, because she was reading. I have always believed that if you are comfortable being with yourself, in a quiet environment, you can have all sorts of profound thoughts and it is a good way to commune with your maker. I don’t think he likes it if you don’t give him your undivided attention. I told my daughter that you did not have to be working all the time in order to be a good person. But, in addition to that there are people who work really hard all of the time and are the meanest, low down excuses for human beings as you would ever meet. Work neither makes you good or bad.


A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward. ~George Jean Nathan

Found An Interesting Quote About Stress

Matthew 6:27, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (NIV)

This is very perplexing to me. I don’t worry to add hours to my life. I worry because I am very aware that my time is running out faster than I would like. The things that I do, are apparently part of God’s plan, but I don’t like the deadline for the assignment.

Let The Dead Bury The Dead? One of My Top 100 Things That Make Me Scream

This particular scripture makes sense in theory, but I suspect if you went to a family funeral or stayed home from one and quoted it, you would be disowned and possibly the victim of homicide and maybe vigilante justice.

I kept thinking about this one at the hospital the other day.(I had some surgery) Last week I was worried about my Mom being at home by herself while my Dad was in the hospital. Then my daughter was supposed to have some tests run to see if she needed surgery.  After I waited all day to see what the doctor told her, I called her and her boyfriend told me she decided not to go take the test because she wasn’t feeling well. But, she wasn’t home because she went to work.

Pardon me for being logical, but if you are too sick to go to the doctor, wouldn’t it follow that work should be skipped too? I am not a self centered person, but couldn’t she have called me and told me?

I suppose I didn’t cater to my parents sufficiently either. Neither my daughter or my parents bothered to call me and check on me after my surgery. Apparently my husband was considerate and called them and let them know I am alive.

Should I back off from worrying about others? It sure doesn’t get reciprocated. I hope the scripture means to put things into priority categories. I do not know how to not care about others.

This is on my top 100 things list. I want to scream when people do not realize that I am strong, but still need to be treated in a considerate manner.