What’s Up With Me

I’m sitting here feeling emotions so strong that I might be overwhelmed by them. I know that I am nowhere near the worst part yet. I can’t face my fears head on and I can’t run fast enough to escape them. I am just going parallel to them for now. I know there is going to be a place down the road where my path and these fears are going to converge.

I am so tired of running this race with death. For the past 6 years, I have had the constant fear of my husband dying, because of his neurological condition. I have been slapped in the face by my own mortality the past few years after my diagnosis of Systemic Lupus Erythmatosis. I think my case is going to be the long drawn out chronic condition, but I know a bad case of some infection could wipe me out. Just when I seemed able to travel along with death for a piece, companionably, my Daddy has been diagnosed with cancer.

He has always been the one who would make things right in my world. When I have run out of options, I can go to him for advice and help. My Dad and Grandpa are/were ministers, so I have relied on them for spiritual guidance as well as the practical kind. I’m gonna be on my own now and I don’t know who I am going to rely on.

I do not know if I am strong enough for a world where my husband or my Dad no longer reside.

I found an old photo of my parents, when they were young and full of promise and did a scrapbook page. You can see it here.

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