The other day, I suddenly realized just how far back, I had been unable to express anger until it was overwhelming. My husband and my kids probably have no idea why I am that way. When you are writing your memoirs, consider writing down what makes you the way you are. Your kids may not love you for it, but they may understand you.
My Mom is a very volatile person. She hits the roof over nothing and everything. She is one of those people who has to be “handled”. Out in public, she can embarrass me in no time flat. She knows what is inappropriate, but doesn’t care.
My Dad, on the other hand is a very dignified, mannerly person. You would never know by his tone of voice or facial expression that anything ruffled him.
I remember my Mom not allowing us to get angry, because when we did, it escalated and prolonged hers. It was as if she was the only one in our home allowed any drama.
If I got sent to my room for something, usually being a smart ass, if I stomped of closed the door too hard, my Dad would make me go back and return to my room and re-close the door repeatedly until he felt I had walked quietly enough and until my door made no sound whatsoever when I closed it. He was basically forcing me to show no emotion at all and he was whether purposefully or not, telling me that I had no right to have any feelings concerning how others treated me or what they decided for me.
If I had not been a VERY strong person, imagine what a weak pushover I would be as an adult. I however determined that I WOULD control my destiny and if emotion was a sign of weakness, then I would learn not to show it. You can stand in my face and tell me to go to hell and I will smile at you and ask you what you will be packing to take on our trip together.
My brother came out with my Mom’s attitude. If he wants to scream, yell, curse and throw things, he will. He feels entitled to his anger. The thing is, he’s right.
I have a very interesting family dynamic here, don’t I?
I long to be able to scream and holler and then go on with things. I just can’t shake the need to keep anyone from knowing they made me sweat.