Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed.

I’m going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I’ll do it myself.”

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
– All from Erma Louise Bombeck, 1927 – 1996